How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
