It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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