I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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