It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
false alarm, still single
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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