On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
