so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
