he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
