Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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