Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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