Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize