If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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