sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
