She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
