you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
