fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
