Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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