i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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