So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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