the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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