our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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