He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
