Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
