he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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