she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize