i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
