using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
