Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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