I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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