I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
