I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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