I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
