Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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