Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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