I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize