Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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