guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
