I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
