I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize