there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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