Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
