I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
