I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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