im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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