i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
