When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
