I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
