just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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