sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
