I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize