omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
