He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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