If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
