I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize