I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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