I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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