Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
