i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
