We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
