what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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