She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
