i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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