my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
