How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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