i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
