I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
