Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
