No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
