He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize