Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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